Log in

Pure Mercenary
23 June 2012 @ 08:24 pm

The moment you realize you're just a small dot in this endless universe with no significance whatsoever, is the moment you have to re-evaluate your life. You may not make the impact you'd wish you did, but you still have to make sure to keep the dots that form the molecules of our existence in place. So choose wisely whenever you're on the brink of giving in because you may have more influence than you think.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

Current Mood: nervous
Current Music: Linkin Park - Numb
Pure Mercenary

Title: With Every Beat of His Cocaine Heart
Author: puremercenary
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: Brendon/Ryan, some Ryan/Pete
POV: 1st, Brendon's
Summary: For the longest time of my life, I haven’t been confronted with drugs. Going to a small school in a little town somewhere in Illinois has certainly helped with that. Sure, I’ve known that drugs are out there, what problems they might cause and that every year thousands of people die from drug abuse. But I’ve never actually been in a situation, where I’ve seen someone take drugs. Not until I met him.
Disclaimer: Not true, never happened. I don’t own anyone mentioned in this story. ;)
Beta: wordsinmylungs
Author Notes: Wow! So sorry for the long wait. University is being a bitch, I have important exams coming up in – oh, three weeks and a lot of presentation and other stuff until then. Furthermore my uni is the biggest fail an now I’ll have to go to classes on Saturday as well… to cut a long story short: I’m trying hard to finish the next chapter as soon as possible, but I’m not positive on when that will be.
Also: half-time!!


Part 2



Ryan and I were both off the following day and there’s nothing that could have made me any happier. The event of us being free from work on the same day happened way too few but I enjoyed it even more if it did.  It almost felt like we were free from our normal life on these days, like anything could happen. I’m well aware of the fact that I probably sound like a little child, but a boy’s gotta keep dreaming, doesn’t he.

One thing I really like about New York is that – ignoring the obvious shopping malls and huge franchise stores – there are smaller shops, almost like underground secret spots where you can get anything and everything. I’m not talking about illegal markets and such, no, I made sure I kept miles away from those…but right there, in a small side street almost overshadowed by one of those malls that carry absolutely everything was my favorite store of all time: Decaydance Books & Records. I remember discovering it on one of my first days in New York, I was lost and it was raining cats and dogs when I stumbled in, not even caring what kind of shop it was. But once inside, I strangely felt like Alice in Wonderland. Decaydance sold the stuff that dreams are made of – or at least mine are. From old underground vinyls to antique looking books about peculiar people, they had it all. Sure thing the next time we were in the city I showed Ryan what I discovered. He was equally thrilled. This was four years ago.

“Hi, Pete.” A smile was tugging on my lips when we entered the cluttered store, aiming it at the owner of Decaydance who long had become a good friend of both Ryan and me. Pete was a great guy, funny and witty with a mess of black hair and bushy eyebrows. There’s no way I could count all of the endless afternoons the three of us spent talking.

“Brendon!” Pete’s smile was just as big and got even bigger once he spotted Ryan. “Ryan. What a nice surprise to have you two in today.” I always suspected he had a thing for Ryan but then again, he was good at hiding it. He barely ever gave me a reason to worry. We were just friends, all of us.

We spent a while talking to the enthusiastic owner, updating him on our current whereabouts and plans in life. It really was a shame we rarely ever found enough time to come here anymore. I loved the feeling the shop gave me, a feeling of safety and being home in between all the books and records. It was wonderful just breathing in the scent.

Going through the always changing inventory Ryan and I spent the day laughing and fighting about who could find the silliest book. It was funny how one moment you’re worried sick and the next everything’s alright again. Skeptics might say that it may just as well be the other way round and that happiness rarely ever came without misery following on its footsteps but for once I didn’t care. I was too happy to have my boyfriend back, to see his smile and be able to hold his hand.

Getting hungry toward the evening we decided to get dinner at one of the great Italian places around. I was starving for some lasagna and red wine, but even more for some exclusive time with Ryan.

I probably sound ridiculous but have you ever been so in love with someone that although you pay attention to every little detail you seem to miss the big, obvious facts, solely because you don’t want to notice them? We were halfway through our meal when I started realizing that Ryan’s behavior was a bit off.

“Are you alright?”  I tried not to sound too worried.

“Of course I am, I’m fine.” Ryan smiled at me wearily but couldn’t convince me.

“You sure? You look nervous…has anything happened? Do you want to go home?” Brushing his hair back a little I examined him more carefully. Ryan looked indeed nervous, his hands were shaking slightly and his eyes seemed to be restless.

“Told you I’m fine…” Ryan mumbled, sounding a little annoyed and continued with his meal. I still wasn’t convinced, but I didn’t want to continue with asking questions. The more time passed the more obvious his strange behavior got and by the time my boyfriend excused himself to go to the bathroom, warning bells were ringing loudly in my head. I tried not to make any quick assumptions but I’ve seen this way too often not to know what Ryan was doing in the bathroom.

But what was I supposed to do? Sneak into the bathroom trying to catch him red-handed? And then what? No, that was not an option. Maybe I could try to talk about it again…But I already knew he’d deny it anyway. I sighed and ran my hands through my thick black hair. How the hell did we end up in this situation? When did we go wrong?

A few minutes later Ryan came back looking a lot calmer than mere minutes before.

“So, do you want to go home or shall we have dessert first?”

He was actually smiling at me. I felt a dull pain in my chest.

“Let’s go home” I replied. “I don’t feel like dessert.” I forced a smile on my lips, acting as if I was oblivious to what was going on right in front of my eyes.

I had to come up with a plan. Soon.


The next day at work was horrible and I returned home being completely exhausted. Ryan wasn’t there yet so I made myself comfortable on the couch to wait for him. By the time he arrived home I had dozed off, still on the couch. I was woken up by lips being firmly pressed onto mine. I smiled sleepily. “Hey, you’re home.” My voice was still thick with sleep.

“Hi.” Ryan sounded husky, needy almost and continued pressing kisses onto my mouth and my neck. I lazily dragged my fingers through his brown curls, my eyes still closed. Obviously going for something more intimate, Ryan pushed my shirt up and opened my jeans. I chuckled.

“Ryan, don’t. I’m tired.” I yawned almost as if to prove it. He made a small “hmpf”-sound and continued to unbutton my jeans. “Ryan, I’m serious. I’m not in the mood. Work was a bitch today and I just want to relax a little…”

“But I’m horny” was all he replied as he pushed my jeans and shorts down and went on to unbutton his own trousers too. I opened my eyes.

“Stop it, I told you I don’t want to have sex now.” He smiled at me, his pupils wide and blown, staring at me like deep black holes. My breath caught in my throat when I realized Ryan was coked out of his mind and didn’t care whether I wanted sex or not.

“I’ll make you love it, you’ll see” he continued, sounding far away, pushing his boxers down.

“Ryan…” I didn’t know what to say, I was shocked. Trying to sit up he shook his hand and pinned me down with his weight.

“You don’t get so say no to me, you see.” I stared at him in horror. Would he really try to go for it even without my consent? I swallowed, my mind spinning with questions and the feeling of not knowing what to do. Ryan was back to kissing my torso, running his hands over my legs and hipbones still looking incredibly horny. I could see his hard on and realized he wouldn’t stop. I pushed him off.

“Hey!” My boyfriend sounded furious, pinning me back down on the couch and moving on top of me. “Don’t be a bitch, Bren. I just want to fuck, come on.” Not registering my resistance Ryan lined himself up with my entrance and tried to push into me. I squealed, pushing him off again. This time with more force resulting in him ending up on the floor. “What the fuck is wrong with you?” he almost spit.

“With me? What the fuck is wrong with YOU? I told you I’m not in the mood and you don’t even care!” I was staring at him with big eyes still full of shock.

“Fuck you” he muttered and disappeared to the bathroom. I was horrified, my chest heaving with the shock and hurt of Ryan not caring about my feelings. But I knew it wasn’t him, this wasn’t Ryan. He had taken drugs, that’s why he’s behaving like the biggest asshole.

Trying to find evidence, I went through Ryan’s clothes with shaky hands. Sure enough I hit paydirt in the pockets of his jeans…a small bag containing conspicuous looking white powder. My vision blurred and for a minute there I thought I might actually faint from shock. This couldn’t be real, I didn’t just find cocaine in my boyfriend’s jeans. Not after him having denied taking anything time after time after time.

“Ryan!” I was almost shouting now, my voice a mixture between anger and fear not sure yet on which one to settle. He came back moments later, having found some new clothes in the bathroom resulting in him being fully dressed again.

“What?” He sounded cold, angry almost. Instead of replying I showed him what I found. His reaction was immediate. “That’s not mine. It’s Dan’s. He gave it to me for safekeeping.” Ryan was lying to my face without batting an eyelash.

“Liar.” I swallowed, tasting the bitter taste of disappointment in my mouth. “As if Dan would give his shit to you because you totally wouldn’t take it yourself.”

“I’m not! I told you I’m not taking anything, why don’t you believe me?” My boyfriend shook his head trying to mimic my disappointment.

“Because you are LYING, Ryan! Do you honestly think I’m this stupid? Do you really think I don’t know you enough to be able to tell when you’re on coke?” My voice was shaking but I didn’t know whether it was with anger or sadness. “You were just trying to force me to have sex with you, you are coked out of your mind and don’t you dare try denying it again!”

Ryan was staring at me. “Fine” he replied, breathing heavily. “You know what? Fine. Maybe I’m taking cocaine, but did you ever stop to ask yourself why I was doing this? Did it ever occur to you that there might be more to it than me just being the failure that you think I am?”

“Ryan I don’t think you-“

“Stop it!” He was getting really angry now, causing me to shut up instantly. “All you do is accuse me of my wrong doings, all day long. Oh Ryan, you’re never here. Oh Ryan, you’re always out to party. Ryan, we never do anything together. We never cuddle. We never have any time to ourselves. Oh Ryan, you’re so bad, you’re taking drugs. You know what? Fuck you! I don’t need any more of your accusations.” I was speechless, my mind repeating his words over and over again without actually understanding what he just said. “Maybe you should stop your shit for a second and try to help me. Talk to me. Fuck, just be there for me. But no, Brendon never does. Brendon just accuses every one of their mistakes because no one is as holy and perfect as he is.”

“Ryan, I’m not…I’m not like that!” I tried to defend myself, but it was useless. My voice sounded hollow even to my own ears.

“Yes, you are. Stop being so fucking self-righteous.” Ryan shook his head again, giving me a last angry look before turning on his heels and stalking out of  our apartment.

I was left behind feeling utterly dumbfounded. My hands were shaking, my head pounding with a million miles per second and I felt a familiar burn in the back of my throat. “Don’t cry, Brendon. Don’t fucking cry now.” I swallowed hard, trying to choke back the tears that were forcing their way out of my eyes.

What the fuck did just happen?


I spent all weekend trying to get ahold of Ryan, calling him every five seconds and leaving him voice mails begging him to come back. But sure enough, no such luck. He never picked up his phone or called me back. I’m not sure what I had expected but naïve as I am I thought maybe he’d just come back after he had come down a little.

But Ryan didn’t return.

By the time it was early Sunday evening I was worried sick. I alternated between being angry and drowning in self-accusations. Maybe Ryan was right after all, maybe I should have helped him more, maybe I could have done something else.

“Bren, stop. It’s not your fault.” I felt William’s hand in the small of my back and once again I was utterly grateful for having him as my friend. He came over as soon as I told him and hadn’t left so far. I knew I could count on him.

“But what if it is? What if I could have done more, what if he needed my help and I wasn’t there?” My voice was shaky and thick with tears. At one point I had just stopped trying to force the tears back and let them free. William’s arms went around me.

“You did everything, Brenny. It’s not that easy. You have to both work at it, you couldn’t do anything if he won’t let you…and you know this.” I leaned into his touch, trying to calm down some.

“I can’t sit here and just wait until he shows up…if he does. I have to do something.” I ran my fingers through my hair, probably looking as heartbroken as I really was. “What if something happened to him and we don’t know?”

William stayed calm and I loved him for it. “I’m sure he’s fine, Bren. But if it’ll make you feel better we can go out and look for him.”

Twenty minutes later we were searching the streets for my boyfriend of whom I had lost sight of. I felt terrible, torn between worry and sadness, trying to hold back the tears for a little longer than a few minutes.

We didn’t find Ryan that night. God knows where he was. At a hospital? Lying in the streets somewhere, beaten and broken? Or maybe he was on a flight to escape the tight grip I had held on him for far too long.

I wouldn’t know.

Current Location: university
Current Mood: tiredtired
Current Music: Muse
Pure Mercenary
08 June 2012 @ 09:41 pm

I seem to be developing some kind of bipolar disorder at the moment. One second I'm completely hyper and happy, the next one I'm totally devastated. I can't handle life at the moment, I'm overwhelmed with everything that's happening at the moment.

My heart is aching with the pain of loss and disappointment, throbbing from stress and fear.

I feel like I'm crying rivers without actually knowing what's wrong. I'm tired and drained from all the sadness.

Sometimes I just don't know what to do anymore...

Until then:
I fell apart but got back up again.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

Pure Mercenary
Title: With Every Beat of His Cocaine Heart
Author: puremercenary
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: Brendon/Ryan, some Ryan/Pete
POV: 1st, Brendon's
Summary: For the longest time of my life, I haven’t been confronted with drugs. Going to a small school in a little town somewhere in Illinois has certainly helped with that. Sure, I’ve known that drugs are out there, what problems they might cause and that every year thousands of people die from drug abuse. But I’ve never actually been in a situation, where I’ve seen someone take drugs. Not until I met him.
Disclaimer: Not true, never happened. I don't own anyone mentioned in this story. ;)
Beta: wordsinmylungs
Author Notes: Next chapter - part one of the first week! Many thanks to everyone who read the introduction and I really hope you enjoy this chapter! I actually wanted to post a little more but sadly uni is really stressing me out at the moment :(


Things never happen as they are planned, no matter how hard you try to get everything perfect – it won’t be. You can’t foresee every circumstance. I guess it’s just the way life goes, always surprising you, never letting you stop worrying.

When I was planning this quiet evening for Ryan and mýself I should have known that it wouldn’t work out the way I wanted it to. We hadn’t spent much alone time during the past few weeks so I was desperate to scratch up what little time I could come up with with working two jobs to pay our rent. I missed Ryan, I missed talking to him about the most stupid things at night when both of us couldn’t sleep. It was like all of a sudden I didn’t have a boyfriend anymore. I tried to tell myself that it was only because we were both working so hard – after all, the rents in New York City are known to be terribly high. In reality I knew exactly what it was all about.

Ryan was late, as always. I didn’t get mad anymore, I got used to it a long time ago. I had gotten us dinner (pad thai, Ryan’s favourite) and a few movies. It was all planned out in my head and I was really excited to finally spend an evening with my boyfriend. Obviously, he had planned otherwise.

He opened the door exactly 45 minutes after he was supposed to be home, looking as sleepy as I felt. “Bren, I’m home.” Padding into our living room, he stopped. “What is all this?”

“Just dinner, wine and some movies. I thought we’d stay in tonight, have a little movie night…” I was looking at him, a shy smile tugging on my lips. Even after four years my heart still insisted on beating faster every time I looked at him. Ryan hesitated.

“Bren, I… I can’t. I have plans.” I was dumbfounded.

“Plans? What plans? Do you even know when was the last time we spent an evening in, just the two of us?” Shaking my head in annoyance I looked at him with stern eyes.

“I know, I just… I promised to go out with Dan. Go to the pub, have a few beers. Nothing major. You can come too, if you want to.” He looked at me hopefully. I rolled my eyes.

"No thanks. Someone has to eat all of this after all. So I’ll just stay in and watch movies all night long. By myself. Because my boyfriend doesn’t have any time for me anymore.” I couldn’t help but sound awfully hurt.

"Bren, I promised…”

“Funny how you never promise me anything! Why’s that, eh? Because you know you are not gonna keep it?” I brushed away dark hair that fell into my eyes. He was being ridiculous. Why did I even put up with something like this? I deserved so much better, I deserved to be acknowledged. But I loved him. I loved him too fucking much.

“Right,” he muttered. “Never mind. I’m gonna go then. Have a good night.” He turned around as I stared at his back angrily. He didn’t even apologize. And here I was, thinking it was such a good idea to stay in tonight. I felt so stupid.

“You too. And don’t you dare take anything, I know you, and I know Dan.” He looked at me over his shoulder.

“I told you I don’t do cocaine anymore. Don’t you trust me in the slightest? Fantastic. Just fantastic, Bren.” He sighed and left without another word. 


Ryan wasn’t there when I woke up the next day but I didn’t expect him to anyway. He probably crashed at Dan’s in the early hours of the morning, being too drunk to find his own way home. Sometimes I wondered how we even got that far. Weren’t we supposed to be there for each other, spending time together and not either being at work or running off on our own? But as much as his behavior pissed me off, I couldn’t say anything. I knew full well that he indeed hadn’t stopped taking drugs, I just didn’t know what to do about it.

Have you ever tried talking some sense into someone who’s addicted? Well, it’s not a pleasant thing to do and I was scared shitless that he would get mad and leave me. After all I knew that I didn’t want to lose him, but I had to come up with a plan or else he’d be shoveling his own grave soon enough.

Still deep in thoughts I noticed my phone ringing. I could tell from the melody playing that it was William, a co-worker and dear friend of mine. I muffled a yawn and took the call. “You do realize that it’s awfully early to start tormenting me with phone calls, Bill, don’t you?”

“10 A.M. is hardly early, lazy ass,” William chuckled. “Besides breakfast is supposed to be in the morning or else it doesn’t make sense anymore. So what do you say, caramel macchiatos at Starbucks in 10 minutes?”

“Make that 15 and I’m in.” I put the phone away, rolled out of bed and tried to make myself look at least a little presentable. Even if some girls liked to describe be as being handsome, I wasn’t gorgeous the way Ryan was. His features were so delicate with big honey eyes and a mess of brown hair that tended to curl around his ears as soon as it reached a certain length. I on the other hand had too big of a nose, puffy lips, a square jaw and dark hair that always fell into my eyes, no matter what I tried doing to it. There was a time when Ryan couldn’t stop telling me how much he loved my lips or how he liked staring into my dark eyes. I haven’t heard such compliments in a while.

20 minutes later William and I were sipping macchiatos at Starbucks. “So what’s up?” He looked at me searchingly. “You look tired.” I shrugged.

“I guess I am. It’s not like I’m getting tons of sleep with you calling every 10 minutes, you know.” William ignored my comment and continued looking at me.

“What is it? Is Ryan still on the run? Hell, this guy really has to come to his sense sometime soon. Do you want me to talk to him?” I shook my head.

“I just don’t know what to do anymore. He really doesn’t want to talk about any of it and it’s not like I can just force him to open up. He’s stubborn as fuck, you know him.” William was unfazed.

“Well, you could always threaten him, you know.” I’m sure my eyebrows disappeared into my hairline. 

“Threaten Ryan? And how on earth would I do that?”

“By telling him you’ll leave him if he doesn’t stop his bullshit already and start talking to you. You know you’re the only thing he isn’t willing to risk.”

“Yet,” I muttered and shook my head. “I can’t do that. I don’t want to threaten him, that’s not the right way to handle these things. And besides I can’t be certain that he indeed won’t risk losing me… what if he’s finally fed up with me? It’s been four years after all.” William scoffed and put down his mug.

“He loves you, Brendon. He’s just as madly in love with you as you are with him. But, by all means, do whatever you think is right. Don’t let him ruin you, though.” I knew he was right, yet I couldn’t bring myself to think of a way of confronting Ryan with the fact that it wasn’t supposed to be this way. What hurt me the most was the fact that he didn’t seem to register that we were barely seeing each other anymore. He didn’t apologize for not being there more often and he didn’t try to make up for it. It was almost as if he had forgotten that he was supposed to be spending time with his partner. I sighed heavily.

I had to do something about this. Now.


The shift at the Smoothie Hut was stressful as ever. Sometimes I really asked myself why literally everyone in New York City needed a raspberry – banana smoothie on their lunch break. Still being in a kind of brooding mood, I entered our apartment, shrugged my jacket off, and jumped when I noticed Ryan was lying on the couch. “Jesus, Ryan…” I mumbled, hand on my heart. “You’re finally back then.” My tone was pretty neutral, considering the amount of anger that was bubbling inside my lower stomach. How dare he stay away for a whole day without even letting me know where he was? I was worried sick, staying up late to wait for him…but sure thing, Ryan Ross just left and returned whenever he liked.

Taking a closer look at him I realized he looked like shit. “Have you not slept? You look really bad, Ry.” He answered with a low mumble and oh, I guess he was awake then. “Right.” I sighed. Was it ever any different? “Go to bed, I’ll bring you some water and aspirin.”

Doing as promised, I tucked a very sick looking Ryan into bed and returned to the living room. Those situations in which he came home awfully hung over or – worse – still drunk were becoming way too frequent for my liking. But yet again, what was I supposed to do? I tried talking to him several times already but he wouldn’t listen. Risking a look at my phone, I rolled my eyes. I knew exactly what William would say in a situation like this: threaten him to leave so he will understand that I will no longer look away. But I just couldn’t bring myself to take such drastic measures. Somewhere deep down I was still hoping he would come to his senses eventually.

Boy was I naïve.

About 3 hours later – I busied myself with cleaning the kitchen inside out not to think about our strange relationship any longer – Ryan emerged from the bedroom looking somewhat fitter than before. Appearing almost soundlessly he slipped an arm around my waist, pulled me into him and pressed a soft kiss to my neck. “I’m sorry” he whispered, sounding honest. I sighed.

“I know, Ry… I know. It’s just… don’t disappear on me again, alright? I was worried. You could at least call if you’re not coming home, you know.” I made damn sure he noticed the disappointment in my voice. It worked.

“I’m sorry” Ryan repeated, turning me to face him. “I will call next time, I swear. Or you could just come with me.” His fingers were lightly stroking my stomach and he was directly looking at me. Suddenly it was hard to concentrate. He was still so fucking breathtaking.

“But maybe I don’t want to go out… sometimes it’s just nice to stay in after a day of work and I really want to spend more time with you. You’re barely here anymore and I just…”

“Alright. Alright, we’re staying in. See? We’re staying in.” His lips were hovering over mine now and I swallowed. My heart was pumping adrenalin through my body fast and my mind was starting to spin. This was better than drugs, I just knew it was. I was so addicted to Ryan’s touch that it caught me by surprise every single time. I would never get used to this.

Before I could even muster another thought, we were on each other, his lips moving on top of mine and I could taste him, sweet and still with a hint of alcohol in his breath. My hands were traveling up his torso while he pressed me against a kitchen counter, never letting his lips leave mine. When he started traveling down my neck and attacking it with almost desperate kisses a low moan escaped my lips and Ryan stood to look at me with eyes full of lust.

The next second we were on our bed, him lying on top of me, getting me out of my clothes the fastest he could manage. I was in desperate need to touch him, feel him and my mind was clouded with want. It’s been way too long since we last had sex and I never stopped to think of the fact that I was actually supposed to be mad at my boyfriend.

When he pushed into me, I moaned somewhat louder and fisted his hair. “God..” I sounded as breathless as I felt. I wanted more, needed more, my nails leaving marks on his back. Ryan was going slow first, sending a shiver down my spine every time he pushed into me again. I was intoxicated and could barely think of anything besides the fact that this was absolutely perfect. I knew I loved this crazy, skinny thing for a reason.

The moans were flowing freer now, barely any seconds left between each one and the next. I felt high and so an edge that I feared I might explode any second now. Ryan must have thought the same because he started to move faster and with more force. Shivers ran through my whole body and I couldn’t stop looking at him. He was so beautiful, his hair sticking to his forehead, eyes wide and full of lust.

When I came my world stopped spinning for a while and my mind was foggier than ever. This was it. This is what I need, what I wanted. Him. Him him him. Never anything else. And as he lay down beside me, pulling me into his arms and being just as breathless and bathing in his usual post-sex glow I had already forgotten what I was worried about in the first place. There was no problem at all, everything was perfect.

Or was it?
Current Location: at home
Current Mood: tiredtired
Current Music: Blink-182
Pure Mercenary
21 May 2012 @ 01:04 am

I miss you like I'd miss the sun.
I miss you like night misses day, like winter misses summer.
Without you I'm as complete as a candle without its wick, as functional as a flash light without any batteries.
Your light burned down and so did mine.

I'm sorry for not telling you enough how much you meant to me.
I'm sorry for not being there when I should have been.

I'm sorry you had to go.
I wish I could have gone with you.

Because I miss you.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

Pure Mercenary
19 May 2012 @ 08:39 pm
Sometimes I feel so out of place, that I forget where I belong.

Sometimes I fail to see light when I'm sitting in the sun.

Sometimes what I want is exactly what I can't have,
and my heart is aching with the pain of all this yearning.

Have you ever felt like you spend all your life waiting for something to happen
without even knowing what that might be?

I don't want to wait, I want to MAKE. Something. Something little. Anything.
But how am I supposed to do that?
With school, work and obligations pinning me down.

I want to travel, want to see places.
Go to concerts, enjoy my life.

Feel alive.

But all I do is keep on waiting for the days to get by
in hope of better days happening some time in the future.

I have to stop waiting,
yet I have not figured out how.
Current Location: at home
Current Mood: restlessrestless
Current Music: UEFA Championsleague hymn
Pure Mercenary
Title: With Every Beat of His Cocaine Heart
Author: puremercenary
Rating: PG-13 for this part
Pairing: Brendon/Ryan, some Ryan/Pete
POV: 1st, Brendon's
Summary: For the longest time of my life, I haven’t been confronted with drugs. Going to a small school in a little town somewhere in Illinois has certainly helped with that. Sure, I’ve known that drugs are out there, what problems they might cause and that every year thousands of people die from drug abuse. But I’ve never actually been in a situation, where I’ve seen someone take drugs. Not until I met him.
Disclaimer: Not true, never happened. I don't own anyone mentioned in this story. ;)
Beta: wordsinmylungs
Author Notes: This first chapter functions as an introduction, a summary of the events that happened so far so that's why it might seem a little too general in some places. However, the next parts will be posted in kind of a diary style for each week. Also this is my first try at fanfiction so please be gentle - comments are very welcome tho :)

“Substance dependence, commonly called drug addiction is defined as a drug user's compulsive need to use controlled substances in order to function normally.”

Nothing would ever shape me the way the last four years did.

When we are kids there is nothing we have to worry about. We might have wondered if we will get the right birthday presents or got upset when our mother made food we didn’t like. But there were no such things as the fear for one’s existence – may it be our own or someone else’s. Our days were a blur of pleasant memories and indulging in idiocy.

But once we grow up everything changes. With the years comes the angst, the fear for us and our loved ones. Love and hate converge until only separated by a tiny line that’s easy to be crossed. There are still moments in which we are happy, but with experience comes the sadness and we scream and we fight and we cry.
Where will all of this lead us to? Is there an ultimate designation or are we all just floating around in the carousel of misery and joy?

Sometimes I wish I was still a kid, careless and free.

For the longest time of my life, I haven’t been confronted with drugs. Going to a small school in a little town somewhere in Illinois has certainly helped with that. Sure, I’ve known that drugs are out there, what problems they might cause and that every year thousands of people die from drug abuse. But I’ve never actually been in a situation, where I’ve seen someone take drugs.

Not until I met him.

Now my life consists of a constant circle of getting high, coming down and buying new drugs. And I’m not even the one taking them.

I met Ryan Ross the first day of college, after I just moved to New York. A little boy in a gigantic city, needless to say how lost I felt. I remember it like it was yesterday: me staggering trough the endless hallways, looking for the right room. I was late, even on my first day. And just when I was about to give up I saw him, tall and skinny, leaning against a wall, dressed in awfully tight black jeans, a white shirt and a leather jacket. Next to him an even taller guy, blonde hair, wrecked jeans and sunglasses. Ryan was grinning at me.

“Looking for something?”

I knew I was staring but couldn’t help it. He looked stunning. “Uhm.” I looked down at my schedule. “Room 368B, I guess.”

The exchanged looks, then Ryan grinned at me again. “We can show you, come on.”

Needless to say, they didn’t show me the room. We ended up at Starbucks, sipping Mocchacinos and discussing everything and nothing at the same time. I was a little shy at first, but shortly after we ordered I started to feel at ease. It was easy talking to the guys. They were interested but at the same time more relaxed and confidant than anyone I’ve ever met. It was that day that I learned that both Ryan and Dan studied music, much to my surprise the same subject I had chosen for myself. They were older than me, of course, but only by a year.

I was invited to a party that night and I remember how I ended up talking to Ryan for the entire night. I found myself drawn to him, couldn’t take my eyes off for a single moment. Is it crazy to fall in love with someone you only just met? If so, I was a mad man. I knew I had to see him again. And again and again and again.

We first kissed after two weeks. It was a hot day in New York City and I was late again, it was starting to become a habit. Ryan and I were running through the hallways to get to my next room when he suddenly came to a halt, stopping me.

“I want to show you something.”

I didn’t even argue, just followed him down the corridor and up the stairs. Ryan led me to the building’s roof, turning around and looking at me.

“We should skip classes today.” His voice was unusually soft, a whisper almost.

I just blinked and stared. At this moment I was only 18 and madly in love with the guy in front of me. Ryan took a step toward me, pinning me down with his gaze. I loved the honey colour of his eyes, the beautiful shape surrounded by dark lashes.

“I get easily addicted to pretty things.” He was even closer now, so close I could almost feel his breath on me. “And I won’t stop until they are mine. Did you know that?”

I barely managed to shake my head, feeling intoxicated. Before I could even think another word I felt his lips on mine. I still like to think my heart exploded in that very moment. He tasted hot and sweet and a little like the cigarette we had shared 15 minutes earlier.

A few days later we officially became a couple.

Everyone who has been in love knows what the first few weeks or months are like: you feel invincible, intoxicated by every little touch, addicted to every word and look you get from of him. I was so happy it almost feels surreal now, thinking of it.

That was four years ago. Four years in which a lot of things changed. If anything, my love deepened to the point of where one might describe it as desperate and unhealthy. I might agree if it wasn’t for the fact that I knew Ryan felt the same way about me.

But it wasn’t easy…every week I seemed to discover something new about him, another piece of the puzzle that built his soul. I didn’t like everything I found.

One of the first things I discovered shortly after we got together was the fact that Ryan wasn’t as relaxed and easy-going as I was led to believe. It was merely a role he was playing for the world to see, to lead them away from his real self. He was a lot more quiet than you would think after meeting him, a lot of times staring into nothing, being lost in his own mind.

His mind was a place I had yet to figure out. It wasn’t unusual for me to wonder what was going on inside his pretty head. But I liked that about Ryan, liked the depth of the thoughts he voiced and the idea of him being the big thinker.

I didn’t realize Ryan was quiet so much because he was sad until a few months later. He had years of practice in making people believe he was happy and okay that he even fooled me. But as we spent more time together I realized that he in fact wasn’t the happy camper he was trying to sell.

I tried talking about it, but he wouldn’t spill. It became more and more apparent that Ryan was troubled, barely sleeping and always scribbling into his black notebook. I was worried; I didn’t want to lose him after just having had the pleasure of meeting him.

We had been together for 11 months when he finally told me everything. About his Mum leaving, about his Dad being an alcoholic and beating the shit out of him and about his uncle who loved him a little too much when he was younger.

“I didn’t tell you because I was afraid of losing you…I don’t want you to have to deal with any of this.”
He sounded so sad it broke my heart. I held him that night in bed, held him close to me and told him that it was okay, that I was still here and wouldn’t be going anywhere. He didn’t cry. I’ve never seen Ryan cry. It went okay after we talked, I tried to be there for him as much as I possibly could and it was noticeably easier for him to open up to me. I knew the situation wasn’t easy for him but I never thought it would actually develop into a full blown problem.

Maybe I was too young or maybe just straight on naïve, but it took me almost three years to realize what actually happened behind closed doors, what Ryan did to himself when I wasn’t looking. I was so caught up in all the happy moments we shared, the kisses we stole at the most unfitting times, the happiness we would annoy anyone around us with. I was so in love that I completely ignored everything else.

The first time I saw Ryan take cocaine my world stopped spinning for a minute or two. I couldn’t process what I had just seen, I didn’t understand. Why would he do something like this, didn’t he know that drugs where bad? Surely I must have misunderstood the whole situation. My Ryan wouldn’t do drugs. I started paying more attention after that. Needless to say, I didn’t like what I found. It turned out he was not only using drugs but had been at it for quite a while now. All the times he snuck away, all the afternoons he spent with Dan, the evenings at the club when he went to the bathroom…all this time he was snorting white powder up his pretty nose.

I was heartbroken; I felt betrayed and couldn’t believe it. How could he do that to me, how could he do that to himself? Since I didn’t know how to confront him I started distancing myself. He noticed, of course. Ryan was always so much better at paying attention than I was.

“Brenny…” His voice was soft, hands stroking my hair and I felt a shiver running through me. “Brenny, tell me what’s wrong…You’re so closed off, you barely talk to me any more…what did I do? Please tell me what I’ve done wrong so we can sort this out…”

I never got over the fact that he still thought he had me fooled.

“You want to know what’s wrong? Then tell me why the fuck you think it’s a smart idea to take cocaine. Tell me, Ryan, for I really don’t understand any of this.”

He looked really taken aback, he didn’t think I’d realize.

What followed was a long talk with a lot of pleading on his side and a lot of tears on my side. I couldn’t understand why he was doing such a thing to himself, neither could I accept that he flat out lied to me. I felt betrayed and hurt, but somehow he managed to calm me down. Screw him and his soothing effect on me.
Ryan apologized over and over again, he tried to explain how the drugs helped him numb his pain, how they made it easier for him to function. He swore that he was in control of the whole situation, that he knew what he was doing. I was so stupid to believe him.

We agreed for him to stop taking cocaine and in return, I wouldn’t tell anyone. I really tried to forgive him, tried to be there for him.

And once again I made the mistake of believing him. But when did love ever let you see what was right in front of your eyes.

I really shouldn’t have believed him.
Current Location: at home
Current Mood: artistic
Current Music: Fall Out Boy
Pure Mercenary
26 April 2012 @ 04:14 pm

The chilly autumn breeze cools my skin and I shiver, but I don’t move. Time has no meaning anymore so I don’t know for how long we’ve been lying here, at the foot of the cliffs right where sea meets sand. My fingers are curled around yours and I won’t let go, but instead of warmth I am greeted with more iciness. Has it really been that long?

Wet clothes are sticking to my body as I look up into the night sky. Can you see all those stars up there, all the beauty hidden in the blackness of the universe? I can feel a smile tugging on my lips. I turn around to draw your attention to an especially beautiful sparkle, but I am faced with blank eyes staring into nothing. I couldn’t bring myself to close them just yet, my own eyes unable to look away from the black ponds that once appeared to be so deep. Maybe I am still hoping to see the fire settle back into your irises. Instead you see nothing of the beauty that once made you feel so alive.

Inching closer I know I won’t feel the steady beating of your heart but I am still disappointed when I bury my face into your chest and hear nothing but this awful all-consuming silence. You are still beautiful even in death and maybe, just maybe, a kiss will warm you up and bring back the person I love with all my heart. Warm lips touch cold ones but nothing happens. You’re still gone.

I haven’t cried yet and I’m sure I won’t either. I don’t know whether I just can’t believe it or if it’s because I won’t let you go. Not yet. My mind briefly wanders to what our search party will find in the morning. Of course they’ll come looking for us. Will they find out what happened? Will they be able to tell that we’ve been on top of the cliffs, laughing and singing? I bet they won’t imagine the way your face lit up with a beautiful smile as you turned around to face me. How your arms were open wide as if you wanted to hug the whole world and everyone living in it. And I know for sure that they can’t imagine the change of scenery when porous rock broke, the way your face fell.  They can’t hear your surprised scream and the sound your body made as it hit the sand. But I’ve been there. I’ve seen it all.

I remember climbing down and finding you. I fixed your broken bones until you looked like you were sleeping and lay down beside you. The only things I couldn’t fix were your eyes, starring up into the sky, giving you away. They are empty, so empty and nothing speaks of the life they once contained. Where have you gone? I couldn’t bring myself to close them.

Sleep is dreadingly close now and forces me to make a decision that’s already been decided on. I won’t move. Let them find both our bodies tomorrow. Together in life and in death, isn’t that what we promised each other? I can’t leave you, you were what kept me alive during all those stormy nights back when we first met. I can’t leave you.

I close my eyes and tighten my grip around your wrist. The cold is barely noticeable anymore, but that’s just my body adapting. It’s still freezing as water surrounds us.

Thinking of you, a smile spreads onto my white lips. I let go and gladly embrace death. It’s not an end it’s just a change and I will be with you again in a minute. I dream of summer, your smile and the way the sunlight reflects on your hair.

Nothing will ever separate us.

Current Location: my bed
Current Mood: sadsad
Current Music: Radiohead - Creep
Pure Mercenary
24 April 2012 @ 01:20 am

Dear you,

I can't believe we are still doing this. Haven't we learned anything from our past mistake? You'd think getting hurt time after time after time was enough to stop us from trying egain. But I should have known. We can't stop, not you and me.

I used to think we were meant to be, that we belonged together. Remember all those times we were hiding from the rest of the world under your blankets? I never felt saver than during those hours. Or remember the time we locked ourselves out and had to wait in the rain for your brother to get back? Those were good times.

But even all those memories didn't save us from what we became: two people tearing each other apart with a mixture of desperate love and burning hate.

It's sad to see us end up this way. We had so many plans, so many dreams. I loved you with all my heart and soul, and I still do. But with love came jealousy and with jealousy came hate. I don't mean to hate you, but I can't help it. You hurt me too much and I know I did, too.

For some reason I still have hope that we might figure it out eventually.

Because I love you too much to let you go. I'd rather get consumed in our games of lust and pain. Better to be with you and hurt than not being with you at all.



Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

Current Mood: awake
Current Music: ABBA - "Dancing Queen"
Pure Mercenary
22 April 2012 @ 12:36 am
All of this hate in me,
It’s consuming me from the inside.
Can’t you see
What you have done to me?
All of the things you never said
Can’t you pretend that they meant you cared?
Current Location: my bed
Current Mood: sadsad